Archive for the ‘Womanliness’ Category

September 2, 2009

C: I feel about that area the way someone in the fifties would. It’s yucky.

S: It is yucky. All gooey and deep.

C: Eww. Stop! Gooey.

S: The “gooey and deep” thing turns men on, btw.

C: Moist maybe…but gooey? All I think about is a Cinnabon. OH I get where you are going with this. That does sound good.


On hatchet wounds.
August 20, 2009

C: K: you are basically a boy with a hatchet wound

S: Is he talking about your vagina?!

C: Yeah. That is f-ing hilarious.

S: So gross.

C: I know. But funny. Clever.

S: Why is he comparing your vagina to a wound?!

C: Have you ever seen a hatchet wound? It does look like a vag!

S: Have YOU seen a hatchet wound?

C: I have in wood, and it looks like a you know…

S: In wood?! Now you’re saying WOOD looks like a vag?!

C: It cuts like that!

On makeup.
August 19, 2009

C: I would like to live in an Amish community for like a month.

S: Why is that?

C: Well, I think it would be good to get away from the technology and the ability to get a hold of someone so quickly. And you don’t have to care about how you look because…..well, they don’t.

S: I think I would miss caring about how I look.

C: Really?

S: Mostly because I look like ass without makeup. My self-esteem would plummet.

C: Oh I do too. But so does everyone, and NO one will be wearing it. And then, after a month, think about how PRETTY you will feel when you get to put it back on.

S: It’ll be like a makeover from a teen movie!

On racerbacks.
August 6, 2009

S: In lighter news, I’m wearing a hot racerback bra I got in Paris.

C: OK, hold up. What is the need for a racerback bra?

S: There is none, except to make my boobs look spectacular.

C: Well, I think that is a need.

S: Definitely.

On prettiness.
August 5, 2009

S: (from texts from last night) “(732): please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you’re pretty.” That’s not about me, is it?

C: NO! Wait, are you asking so I ask back and then you say yes? Is that about me?


C: No, we are GIRLS.

On playing doctor.
August 5, 2009

S: I wait until I’m absolutely sure. Which means until I’m crying in pain. And/or peeing blood.

C: Have you, you know, done “it”?

S: Oh yes.

C: Well then yeah, that’s a UTI, missy.

S: Wait, we’re talking about sex, right?

C: Yeah.

S: Okay. Yeah.

C: What did you think we were talking about…a clown?

On dressing for work.
August 5, 2009

S: My shirt may or may not be see-through and I may or may not care.

C: I’ve done that before…I decided to not care.

On boobsts.
July 30, 2009

S: Do you ever blow-dry your hair upside-down semi-naked in front of a mirror?

C: Yeah, why? Wait, that’s me every morning. Have you heard from my neighbors?

S: It makes my boobs look so good!

C: Ohhh mine don’t look good upside-down.

S: I need to do it more often. A good self-esteem boost.

C: Boobst.

S: Perfect. If only I could be upside-down all the time.

C: How do they look so good?

S: They’re all super big and round on top. I was like, WHOA. Those are mine?!

C: Mine look like muffins. Upside-down is not good for these bad boys.

S: Too bad. I mean, wait. That’s probably good for real life.

On fearing pregnancy.
July 29, 2009

C: I might become anorexic for the good of my body if I get pregnant. My baby will hate me – my husband will love me.

S: My counselor has said that my former eating disorder will rear its ugly head when I get pregnant.

C: What? Why?

S: Because I’m not okay with getting fat. Even if it’s to grow a human.

On contraceptives as antidepressants.
July 29, 2009

C: I think I have really low estrogen normally, and when I get on birth control it makes me crazy for the first couple of months because my body has to get used to the influx of hormones. I like my normal self, I do not like my self on birth control. This is why Catholics are against it (although I’m not Catholic).

S: Why do you think you have low estrogen normally?

C: Because I wig out when I’m on birth control.

S: I’m the opposite. I’m usually batshit crazy, but BC levels me out.

C: That is like my love affair with Paxil.