Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

On incest.
September 23, 2009

C: Did you hear that Mackenzie Phillips had an incestuous consensual relationship with her dad?

S: Whoa, what? Who’s Mackenzie Phillips? And is her dad Don Draper?

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On…Cinnabons.
September 2, 2009

C: I feel about that area the way someone in the fifties would. It’s yucky.

S: It is yucky. All gooey and deep.

C: Eww. Stop! Gooey.

S: The “gooey and deep” thing turns men on, btw.

C: Moist maybe…but gooey? All I think about is a Cinnabon. OH I get where you are going with this. That does sound good.

On blow-up dolls.
September 2, 2009

S: “(903): I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
(214): It’s called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.”
Are you the 214?

C: Oh man! I wish! And they do make portable dolls that are for girls. They’re just really expensive. And they will even blow a load on you. Which, I know, is really gross to say.

S: What! A load of what?!

C: A load of cum. Sheez. You really should have gone to a bigger college. Anyway, I saw it on an episode of Real Sex that used to be on HBO. A very informational show.

S: Okay, wait. They load up male blow-up dolls with actual jiz?

C: Ohhhh no.

S: That’s what I was asking!

C: It’s probably water…like a My Baby All Gone.

On mazes.
August 21, 2009

S: [from texts from last night] (314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn’t happen?

C: Holy SHIT! Can you feel POOP!?!?

S: I don’t think so. It’s not like poo is right there ready to go. You have to squeeze it through places.

C: Like a maze?

S: Exactly.

On…oh jiz. I mean GEEZE.
August 18, 2009

S: So, uh, what exactly is the draw to jizzing on a girl’s face? Is it just because it’s so debasing?

C: I guess. They do it a lot in porns. Maybe they want girls to try to catch it? Like a fun carnival game!

S: Lol.

C: Except with semen…so not that fun.

On google histories.
August 17, 2009

C: By the way, I was thinking about the things I looked up this weekend, and if they do a search on my computer they are going to think I’m a lesbian.

S: Like what?

C: I looked up “Kissing Jessica Stein,” and then I looked up “Lady Gaga hermaphrodite.”

On, uh, salads.
August 5, 2009

S: Okay, who are these girls who let boys toss their salads? I can’t even conceive of it.

C: Um, worse. My old roommate TOSSED other people’s salads. Ewwwww.

S: WHAT. And TOLD you about it?

C: That’s a true poo poo platter. She was a sick freak. No offense if you’ve done that. But here is my view on the butt: everything that comes out of there is my own, and it’s good. Why let someone rummage around in there and screw everything all up?

S: I HAVE NOT DONE THAT.

C: Sorry. You never know. This girl is a FOURTH GRADE TEACHER. You can’t tell.

S: But I gag when brushing my teeth!

C: OK, now I know you don’t do it. Ugh. That shit is gross (pun intended).

On playing doctor.
August 5, 2009

S: I wait until I’m absolutely sure. Which means until I’m crying in pain. And/or peeing blood.

C: Have you, you know, done “it”?

S: Oh yes.

C: Well then yeah, that’s a UTI, missy.

S: Wait, we’re talking about sex, right?

C: Yeah.

S: Okay. Yeah.

C: What did you think we were talking about…a clown?

On baby kisses.
July 30, 2009

C: And I said, “Fine, but can we make out like a REAL makeout?”

S: What is a REAL makeout?

C: Well, I’m on my period (which he knows) so I just want a good makeout; not baby kisses.

S: Baby kisses! I’ve never heard that, OMG. I love it.

C: Yeah, you know…no tongue. No grasping for each other. Like a lean over at a restaurant baby kiss.

S: Okay, for a second, I thought you were calling sex “baby kisses.”

C: Pshaw! NOOOOO. Where would you get that?!?! “Ohh baby”?

S: Because sex comes close to making babies. It’s like you’re kissing the possibility of a baby.

C: Oh.

S: My mind is effed up.

C: No. That is definitely not what I meant; I guess this takes away you thinking I was being clever.

On slutishness.
July 29, 2009

C: You know who is really unattractive? Miley Cyrus. Exhibit A: http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20294373,00.html

S: You think so? I would kill for those lips. Mine don’t even count as lips. Just, like, tiny mouth bumpers.

C: Mouth bumpers? Does that stop you from kissing people? ……Obviously not. BAM!

S: Are you calling me a lip slut?

C: Haha no, I just thought it was a fitting remark. Besides, you can’t be a lip slut when you are such a cake slut.

S: My sluttishness of all kinds will astound you.

C: Whatever. You are MARRIED. You can’t be slutty when you are married.

S: You can by having an affair with a married man.

C: Oh yeah….well, but that was a long time ago!