Archive for the ‘Opposite Sex’ Category

On awards.
September 3, 2009

S: Are you wearing something fabulous tonight?

C: No, just a dress. Oh shit, that means I have to shave my legs.

S: You’d better shave your legs for the president!

C: W. probably won’t show up. Who’s going to look at them?

S: What if the president wants to touch them?!

C: Ex president. They don’t count as much. He may.

S: You have to let him! He’s the president!

C: Not anymore, but I would let him just because I think it would be cool to say the president felt me up.

S: I would totally let W. touch my legs. I let a bunch of drunk frat boys touch my legs for $100 in Panama City. I’d do it for Mr. President.

C: $100????? Why did they want to touch your legs?!? How far up did you let them go?

S: It was a hot legs contest. AND I WON, BITCHES. Well, I was wearing a bikini, so, uh, to about mid-thigh.

C: Wow, I wonder what it’s like to win a leg contest.

S: It’s mostly whoreish. But also awesome.

C: How do you ever have down moments about your looks?

S: I know my legs are great. Buuuuuuuuut I’d rather have a great face or a long neck or something.

C: You do have those things!

S: Well, those things haven’t won awards, so it’s hard to tell.

C: Nothing of mine has won awards!! Imagine how I feel.

S: The hot men you date are your awards.

On blow-up dolls.
September 2, 2009

S: “(903): I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
(214): It’s called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.”
Are you the 214?

C: Oh man! I wish! And they do make portable dolls that are for girls. They’re just really expensive. And they will even blow a load on you. Which, I know, is really gross to say.

S: What! A load of what?!

C: A load of cum. Sheez. You really should have gone to a bigger college. Anyway, I saw it on an episode of Real Sex that used to be on HBO. A very informational show.

S: Okay, wait. They load up male blow-up dolls with actual jiz?

C: Ohhhh no.

S: That’s what I was asking!

C: It’s probably water…like a My Baby All Gone.

On being hit on.
August 31, 2009

S: Why do guys keep hitting on me? I don’t know what to do! I’m like, oh okay, here’s my number.

C: Because you’re pretty and YOU DON’T TELL THEM YOU’RE MARRIED.

On fights.
August 7, 2009

C: Did I tell you about the fight I saw last night?

S: Yes! So crazy.

C: Gah so awesome.

S: I don’t think it beats the fight I saw on Sixth Street, though, because that one involved blood.

C: Ugh, you’re so lucky. Why don’t I get to see fights with blood?

On boys.
July 23, 2009

S: Okay, so all boys aren’t like the boys on texts from last night, right?

C: RIGHT!

S: Because this website has really destroyed my faith in men.

C: That’s why I stopped reading it.

On being set up.
July 16, 2009

S: Your boyfriend’s friend is gonna be way too hot for me. Your boyfriend is too hot for me.

C: My boyfriend’s too hot for me. Shit.  I don’t want people to think that.

S: They don’t think that. YOU’RE too hot for me.

C: Bullshit! We’re the same level of cuteness except for maybe you’re cuter! Let me get pics of this guy.

S: I am not cuter. Cute boy at the pool kept ogling you and he never even looked at me.

C: You are soo much cuter than you are giving yourself credit for. When I first saw you I thought you were so pretty! Anddd had a good sense of style, and then I understood why you were married and able to have a married boyfriend.

S: As if it’s an achievement.

C: Wait, do you find Vince Vaughn at all attractive?

S: No, I don’t.

C: Okay…crap!

S: Is he overweight? And has a perpetual 5 o’clock shadow? With jowls?

C: NOOO!

S: ‘Cause that’s what I think of when I think of Vince Vaughn.

On dating.
July 16, 2009

C: It’s going to be fun when you date!

S: Maybe. I’m nervous about it.

C: No nerves!! ALL FUN! Well, the nerves are natural. It’s all part of the stomach flip!

S: Yeah. But I’m nervous about the assholes I’ll meet. And I’m nervous about being too slutty. Or getting in trouble somehow. Dating seems dangerous to me.

C: Trouble?

S: Like, date raped.

C: You are really good at judging people (you said so yourself). And the way you aren’t slutty and don’t go home with crazies is by making sure you really know the person.

S: True. But how can you REALLY know someone?

C: You can’t but watch your drink, and you can always leave. Have an out.

S: And what if I’m going to be the kind of girl who reveals too much on first dates?

C: Ohhh that’s good. I want to be that girl.

S: Guys ask what my deal is, and I’m all “I had an affair with a married man and got divorced.”

C: Who cares? Everyone has skeletons. Sometimes it’s better to show them off.

S: What if other people’s skeletons are scarier than mine? Do you check and see if all the guys you date are registered sex offenders?