Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

On Revolutionary Road.
August 26, 2009

C: This is why men shouldn’t marry unfulfilled actresses.

S: Aren’t we all, though.

C: Some are fulfilled actresses!
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On maps.
August 18, 2009

C: When I told her that we should all have a dinner one night I said that it would be perfect because we each bring different perspectives: Her: single, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. You: married, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. Me: dating someone, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. We are all on anti-depressants of some sort! But I don’t feel sad. I just feel weird…but I think that’s normal for our age. I don’t know everything (shocking I know).

S: Man, I don’t even know anything.

C: Yeah, that’s what’s so hard. When we were younger we knew what we had to do: go to school, study, make sure we graduate, blah blah blah. Now it’s find a job that makes you not want to kill yourself, find some time for yourself, but be able to maintain friendships, pay all your f-ing bills somehow on a dime.

S: I was given a map. It was: marry a man who worries about those things and have babies. Some map.

C: How is that working out for you?

S: Oh, you know, halfway there.

On homemaking.
August 10, 2009

C: Do you know how to fry stuff?

S: Oh, heavens, no. You have to have a big pot and a thermometer, two things I do not own.

C: You should know this stuff…you are MARRIED.

S: Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I’m June Cleaver!

On…prostitution?
August 6, 2009

C: Gosh, I’m poor, aren’t I?

S: Don’t you have a trust fund?

C: Scratch out poor, replace with cheapskate? Yeah, but I’m saving that shiz for retirement.

S: Yeah, then you’re not poor at all.

C: Yeah huh.

S: C’s retirement money: lots. S’s retirement money: $0. NOT POOR.

C: C’s retirement money: sad and pathetic because of the economic downturn/the investment she made into her f-ing living accommodations. S’s: shiiiizzzz, you got a husband. He’s saving for you.

S: For now.

C: That body has got to be good for something, S. You’ll get someone else to save.

On publishers.
August 4, 2009

C: Have you read “Eat, Pray, Love”? It sounds stupid.

S: Yeah, I read it. I actually really liked it. The writer obviously thinks she’s the most hilarious person ever, which pissed me off. But it has lots of good stuff in there.

C: Before I knew what it was, I saw an obviously anorexic girl at my old apartment gym reading it, and I thought, “Wow, that’s a guide for anorexics. Pray so that you don’t have to eat and you will love your body. Apparently that is NOT what it is about, but I’ve still held tight to that thought.

S: It’s about a lady who decides she doesn’t want to be married anymore at the age of 30, goes through a nasty divorce, and then gets paid by her publisher to go on an awesome spiritual journey.

C: Well how do you get a publisher? Is that another word for dad?

S: I need an m-fing publisher. Which is also to say I need an m-fing dad.

On dirty jeans.
July 30, 2009

S: Is it gross to wear the same jeans on Thursday that I wore on Tuesday?

C: Um…are you kidding?

S: I’m really not.

C: Jeans are allowed to be worn over and over again I thought…like bras. F! See?!? Who will want to marry this!

S: Oh, okay, so relieved. I thought you were going to be like, OMG SO GROSS.

C: I’m disgusting.

S: No, I think it’s one of those things no one really talks about but everyone does. Like masturbation.

C: I’ve talked about it with people. It’s like how the majority of “Dry Clean Only” items mean “We Are Dirty.”

S: I just realized I talk about masturbation with more people than wearing dirty jeans. What’s wrong with me?

C: Yeah, I dunno. I talk about dirty jeans.

S: But someone already married this, so I guess I can do what I want.

On slutishness.
July 29, 2009

C: You know who is really unattractive? Miley Cyrus. Exhibit A: http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20294373,00.html

S: You think so? I would kill for those lips. Mine don’t even count as lips. Just, like, tiny mouth bumpers.

C: Mouth bumpers? Does that stop you from kissing people? ……Obviously not. BAM!

S: Are you calling me a lip slut?

C: Haha no, I just thought it was a fitting remark. Besides, you can’t be a lip slut when you are such a cake slut.

S: My sluttishness of all kinds will astound you.

C: Whatever. You are MARRIED. You can’t be slutty when you are married.

S: You can by having an affair with a married man.

C: Oh yeah….well, but that was a long time ago!

On love and work.
July 28, 2009

C: I think there are so many different stages of love, and I’ve probably only made it through the romantic stage. So…I don’t know much.

S: You and me both, babe.

C: Yeah, but you’ve had to work on stuff. I haven’t been there, where it’s real WORK. I mean, I’ve heard about it being real work, but I haven’t had first hand experience.

S: Between you and me, you’re not missing much.

C: Yeah, it doesn’t seem like fun.

S: lol

C: Should I have lied there?

On tiny pockets.
July 28, 2009

S: I’m wearing underwear with a tiny pocket on the front I bought a week ago. We used to joke in high school that shirts with tiny pockets were for condoms. But I’m pretty sure that really is true in this case.

C: A tiny pocket for a tiny vagina!

S: I thought about showing up at my husband’s apt. with a condom in my underwear pocket and giving him a surprise when he took off my pants.

C: That would be funny! You should do that! But don’t say, “By the way, the reason we are married and using a condom in addition to my birth control is that I in no way want to have your children right now.”

On divorce dilemmas.
July 23, 2009

C: Wait, are you going to keep your married name?

S: Yes.

C: Good, it sounds good.

S: I’m never changing my name again. Unless I fall madly in love and another man wants to give me his, in which case maybe. So probably.