Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

On lashing out.
August 19, 2009

S: I’m so mad at my boss just in general that I can’t stop talking to her in bitchy voice. Once you cross that line you can’t go back, apparently. She could ask the most innocent question, and the way I answer it is SO bitchy.

C: Have you ever thought that maybe she is your real mom and you are a teenager? Because that’s how I used to act to my parents.

S: She treats me like a teenager ALL THE TIME. My coworker just commented on that the other day.

C: It would be like, “C, did you have a good day today?” “It was FINE! SHEEZ! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!” So maybe you are just lashing out…”You can’t tell me what to do!!!”

S: She really brings out the latent teenager in me. I roll my eyes at her all the time, and yesterday in response to her comment, I just said “whatever.”

C: You said “whatever”…that is classic teen.

S: I’m SO going to get fired.

C: Nah. My parents never fired me.

S: They would’ve if they were allowed to.

C: You make a valid point. I think my parents did try to fire me…my dad tried to replace me with a new wife, and who knows what my mom was doing.

On parents and technology.
August 5, 2009

S:  My mom just sent me a “virtual hug” on Facebook.

C:  Oh sweet Lord. Your mom just virtually said she was a homo.

On publishers.
August 4, 2009

C: Have you read “Eat, Pray, Love”? It sounds stupid.

S: Yeah, I read it. I actually really liked it. The writer obviously thinks she’s the most hilarious person ever, which pissed me off. But it has lots of good stuff in there.

C: Before I knew what it was, I saw an obviously anorexic girl at my old apartment gym reading it, and I thought, “Wow, that’s a guide for anorexics. Pray so that you don’t have to eat and you will love your body. Apparently that is NOT what it is about, but I’ve still held tight to that thought.

S: It’s about a lady who decides she doesn’t want to be married anymore at the age of 30, goes through a nasty divorce, and then gets paid by her publisher to go on an awesome spiritual journey.

C: Well how do you get a publisher? Is that another word for dad?

S: I need an m-fing publisher. Which is also to say I need an m-fing dad.

On being a grandparent.
July 23, 2009

S: My mom just updated her Facebook status about getting tickets to Disney on Ice. How can I make sure that isn’t me in thirty years?

C: Oh, sweet lord. How about this? I will kill you.

S: Deal.

On embarrassment.
July 20, 2009

C: Bruno was hilarious last night…even though I had to go with my family.

S: Lol! I can’t believe you ended up going with your family!

C: I know…

S: I would die of embarrassment.

C: A PENIS TALKS!

S: Watching tampon commercials with my mom still makes me embarrassed.

On parents.
July 20, 2009

C: You think your parents are clueless and then one day they are talking about “5th base.”

S: God, gross. I don’t even effing know what that is, though I could guess.

C: Butt sex.

S: Yeah, that was my guess.