Archive for the ‘Dilemmas’ Category

On windows.
October 5, 2009

S: I really need something good to happen. I’m in a bad place.

C: It’s darkest before the light. A phoenix rises from the ashes.

S: When God closes a door, he opens a window.

C: Yeah, but I don’t understand that one. It’s like, “Um…awesome, but a window is going to be a lot more difficult to get out of than a door.”

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On complications.
September 21, 2009

C: OMFG. My life is muy complicated-o.

S: Oh, gosh. No it’s not.

C: Oh yeah. I always forget who I’m talking to.

On dying young.
September 10, 2009

C: Still at home…

S: Are you still sick?!

C: Yeah, I can’t really stand without being in total pain.

S: OMG. GO TO THE HOSPITAL. What if it’s appendicitis?! You need to go!

C: Nooo it’s the same thing I always have.

S: You don’t know that! A doctor needs to look at you.

C: I don’t want a 1,000 dollar bill. It fees the same. It will go away.

S: You have insurance! Goddammit, this is why we need HEALTH CARE REFORM. Love, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Has the pain gotten worse? What if your appendix burst yesterday when you fainted, and now you’re about to die?

C: I’m not about to die. I’m fine.

S: You don’t know that!!!

C: Well, if I die it was a good run.

S: DO NOT DIE. I will never forgive you.

C: I’m not going to. Only the good die young. And I’ve made enough mistakes to not be considered “good.”

On being hit on.
August 31, 2009

S: Why do guys keep hitting on me? I don’t know what to do! I’m like, oh okay, here’s my number.

C: Because you’re pretty and YOU DON’T TELL THEM YOU’RE MARRIED.

On dreams.
August 5, 2009

C:  I had a dream last night that I was being chased by Jason from those movies.

S:  Oh no!

C:  Yeah, it was scary.

S:  Did you get away?

C:  Yeah, I think so.

S:  You think so?

C:  Well, I don’t think I died.

S:  I die sometimes in my dreams. I have a lot of those dreams where someone’s chasing me, and sometimes they catch me and kill me.

C:  Really?

S:  Apparently my dream self sucks at running.

On Facebook stalking.
August 3, 2009

C: OK, the point of Facebook statuses? Make everyone else think you’re happy…duhh.

S: Is that so? I mostly complain, I think. Do I mostly complain? Every time I work late I make sure and post it. Not sure why.

C: I don’t think you do…let me go see.

S: Okay.

C: From what I remember I think you complain in a funny way. And, let’s be honest, complaining about working late is a LOT different than complaining about the status of your life.

S: Sometimes I complain about the status of my life.

C: You don’t type on Facebook, “Thinking about divorce. I don’t know…ughh, I guess I’ll make some cookies.” OK, reading your statuses – you’re good. In my professional Facebook stalker’s opinion.

S: I gave you permission! That doesn’t count as stalking.

C: No, I know, but I stalk other people. This isn’t my first rodeo, S.

On coping mechanisms and perfection.
July 31, 2009

C: I don’t really want to talk about my personal life. My personal life is only funny when it’s depressing.

S:  So when it’s not depressing, you get depressed?

C: Yeah, I guess so. I’ve spent so much of my life deflecting with humor that when I don’t have things to deflect it gets…boring.

S:  Hilarious. I’m loving this irony. This rain is so awesome, I want it to never stop.

C: Ugh, why do you like rain so much?? I love sunnnn. I think that’s why I’ve been…off.

S: I don’t know why I like it.  I just do. Maybe it fits my melancholic personality better; makes me feel more me.

C: I don’t see you as melancholy.

S: Really?

C: Yeah, you’re so giggly. Bad stuff has happened, but you’re still upbeat.

S: Maybe it’s all a front, like your humor. That’s why we’re perfect together! Our coping mechanisms complement each other.

C: Hmm, maybe.

S: You make jokes about horrible stuff, and I laugh my ass off about it.

C: But I’m not giving you anything to laugh at. Maybe my life would be more interesting if I watched something besides Sex and the City?

S: TV definitely does not make a person interesting. Unless it’s Mad Men, of course.

On living situations.
July 30, 2009

C: Something is leaking in my bathroom now. This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t afford this.

S: Did you get it inspected before you bought it?

C: Yeah, for 250 bucks, but I guess you can’t go into the ceiling to inspect stuff. This is miserable.

S: Blah. I’m sorry.

C: I got a Ford Pinto for a house.

S: I think the term is “lemon,” but yes.

On dirty jeans.
July 30, 2009

S: Is it gross to wear the same jeans on Thursday that I wore on Tuesday?

C: Um…are you kidding?

S: I’m really not.

C: Jeans are allowed to be worn over and over again I thought…like bras. F! See?!? Who will want to marry this!

S: Oh, okay, so relieved. I thought you were going to be like, OMG SO GROSS.

C: I’m disgusting.

S: No, I think it’s one of those things no one really talks about but everyone does. Like masturbation.

C: I’ve talked about it with people. It’s like how the majority of “Dry Clean Only” items mean “We Are Dirty.”

S: I just realized I talk about masturbation with more people than wearing dirty jeans. What’s wrong with me?

C: Yeah, I dunno. I talk about dirty jeans.

S: But someone already married this, so I guess I can do what I want.

On recreational drugs.
July 29, 2009

S: I get so sad for people when they get caught with pot. Like, really? Don’t we all have a little pot?

C: I don’t, but that’s just because I’m perfect. I see that you suffer from being my partner in perfection.