Archive for the ‘Dating’ Category

On Dolly Parton.
September 14, 2009

C: Have I told you about my love for Dolly Parton?

S: No, I don’t think you have.

C: Maybe that’s why The Doctor likes me. I’m actually a gay man.

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On being too seriously.
September 11, 2009

C:  Oh gosh. Well we can be too seriously.

S:  Lol, what?

C:  I have no idea. Sorry, on the phone with a travel agent. I meant to say two single girls on the city. But too seriously kinda sounds like that.

On awards.
September 3, 2009

S: Are you wearing something fabulous tonight?

C: No, just a dress. Oh shit, that means I have to shave my legs.

S: You’d better shave your legs for the president!

C: W. probably won’t show up. Who’s going to look at them?

S: What if the president wants to touch them?!

C: Ex president. They don’t count as much. He may.

S: You have to let him! He’s the president!

C: Not anymore, but I would let him just because I think it would be cool to say the president felt me up.

S: I would totally let W. touch my legs. I let a bunch of drunk frat boys touch my legs for $100 in Panama City. I’d do it for Mr. President.

C: $100????? Why did they want to touch your legs?!? How far up did you let them go?

S: It was a hot legs contest. AND I WON, BITCHES. Well, I was wearing a bikini, so, uh, to about mid-thigh.

C: Wow, I wonder what it’s like to win a leg contest.

S: It’s mostly whoreish. But also awesome.

C: How do you ever have down moments about your looks?

S: I know my legs are great. Buuuuuuuuut I’d rather have a great face or a long neck or something.

C: You do have those things!

S: Well, those things haven’t won awards, so it’s hard to tell.

C: Nothing of mine has won awards!! Imagine how I feel.

S: The hot men you date are your awards.

On being hit on.
August 31, 2009

S: Why do guys keep hitting on me? I don’t know what to do! I’m like, oh okay, here’s my number.

C: Because you’re pretty and YOU DON’T TELL THEM YOU’RE MARRIED.

On maps.
August 18, 2009

C: When I told her that we should all have a dinner one night I said that it would be perfect because we each bring different perspectives: Her: single, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. You: married, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. Me: dating someone, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. We are all on anti-depressants of some sort! But I don’t feel sad. I just feel weird…but I think that’s normal for our age. I don’t know everything (shocking I know).

S: Man, I don’t even know anything.

C: Yeah, that’s what’s so hard. When we were younger we knew what we had to do: go to school, study, make sure we graduate, blah blah blah. Now it’s find a job that makes you not want to kill yourself, find some time for yourself, but be able to maintain friendships, pay all your f-ing bills somehow on a dime.

S: I was given a map. It was: marry a man who worries about those things and have babies. Some map.

C: How is that working out for you?

S: Oh, you know, halfway there.

On boys.
July 23, 2009

S: Okay, so all boys aren’t like the boys on texts from last night, right?

C: RIGHT!

S: Because this website has really destroyed my faith in men.

C: That’s why I stopped reading it.

On role models.
July 21, 2009

C: My boyfriend wrote me another text message saying, “it’s so effing cold in the OR right now…….” Now, it’s been about 2 hours since the original one…should I write him back or make him sweat more? What are your thoughts? Aaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd GO!

S: Hmm. Well. I still don’t know why you’re asking for MY advice. But. I’d make him sweat.

C: Keep in mind that you have convinced someone to marry you. AND you convinced someone to cheat on his wife. You are GOLDEN! Your advice is indispensable.

On, uh, blogging?
July 20, 2009

S: I love that you made drinking a category.

C: It needed to be! It didn’t fit in relationships or dating.

On post-divorce dating.
July 16, 2009

S: How long am I supposed to wait after my divorce to date?

C: I don’t know…you kinda haven’t been married for a year.

S: That’s true.

C: Googled that question.

S: As long as the guy isn’t looking for a long-term relationship, anything goes, right?

C: Agreed. How long have you known the marriage was over?

S: Hard question. Subconsciously, since I had the affair. Consciously, about two days.

On being set up.
July 16, 2009

S: Your boyfriend’s friend is gonna be way too hot for me. Your boyfriend is too hot for me.

C: My boyfriend’s too hot for me. Shit.  I don’t want people to think that.

S: They don’t think that. YOU’RE too hot for me.

C: Bullshit! We’re the same level of cuteness except for maybe you’re cuter! Let me get pics of this guy.

S: I am not cuter. Cute boy at the pool kept ogling you and he never even looked at me.

C: You are soo much cuter than you are giving yourself credit for. When I first saw you I thought you were so pretty! Anddd had a good sense of style, and then I understood why you were married and able to have a married boyfriend.

S: As if it’s an achievement.

C: Wait, do you find Vince Vaughn at all attractive?

S: No, I don’t.

C: Okay…crap!

S: Is he overweight? And has a perpetual 5 o’clock shadow? With jowls?

C: NOOO!

S: ‘Cause that’s what I think of when I think of Vince Vaughn.