Archive for the ‘Blonde Moments’ Category

On playing tennis mostly just to look cute.
September 3, 2009

S: Today is draaaaaaaagging.

C: I know. It’s because I want to play tennis so badly.

S: My hair is curly. It’s going to look dumb in a ponytail.

C: My hair was blown dry for the explicit reason of looking cute when I put it up.

S: My god, you are awesome.

On poetry readings.
September 3, 2009

S: You gotta get loose and let the words wash over you. It was like acid, but without all the pesky tripping.

C: S, I need to tell you something. I’m with the establishment. I use words to get points across, not to trip.

S: That’s okay, I guess. We can be like the odd couple.

C: I’m Felix.

S: I’m Balki!

C: Um…they aren’t the odd couple.

S: Oh. What show is that?

C: They are Perfect Strangers.

S: Perfect Strangers!

On blow-up dolls.
September 2, 2009

S: “(903): I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
(214): It’s called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.”
Are you the 214?

C: Oh man! I wish! And they do make portable dolls that are for girls. They’re just really expensive. And they will even blow a load on you. Which, I know, is really gross to say.

S: What! A load of what?!

C: A load of cum. Sheez. You really should have gone to a bigger college. Anyway, I saw it on an episode of Real Sex that used to be on HBO. A very informational show.

S: Okay, wait. They load up male blow-up dolls with actual jiz?

C: Ohhhh no.

S: That’s what I was asking!

C: It’s probably water…like a My Baby All Gone.

On food poisoning.
August 7, 2009

S: I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m afraid that everything I eat is spoiled.

C: I did NOT know that. I am too!

S: For real?!

C: Yeah, I asked the girl I work with at least five times if she thought my sandwich from yesterday would still be good today. She assured me five times that it was.

S: If you kept it in the fridge, it’s just fine.

C: Well, it had mayo…it was very confusing.

On baby kisses.
July 30, 2009

C: And I said, “Fine, but can we make out like a REAL makeout?”

S: What is a REAL makeout?

C: Well, I’m on my period (which he knows) so I just want a good makeout; not baby kisses.

S: Baby kisses! I’ve never heard that, OMG. I love it.

C: Yeah, you know…no tongue. No grasping for each other. Like a lean over at a restaurant baby kiss.

S: Okay, for a second, I thought you were calling sex “baby kisses.”

C: Pshaw! NOOOOO. Where would you get that?!?! “Ohh baby”?

S: Because sex comes close to making babies. It’s like you’re kissing the possibility of a baby.

C: Oh.

S: My mind is effed up.

C: No. That is definitely not what I meant; I guess this takes away you thinking I was being clever.

On foreign languages.
July 30, 2009

S: We work well under pressure. We should go into the CIA together.

C: Yeah, I looked at the CIA as one of my next job avenues, but you need to know Farsi or something.

On chest hair.
July 17, 2009

S: He’s really not hairy. ‘Cause his mom has Native American blood.

C: What is it with Native Americans not having hair?!? I didn’t know about that until a month ago!

S: Really? I think it’s ’cause they’re descendants of Asians.

C: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. I never thought about that. I thought they were descendants of the Russian type Asian.

S: Lol! What is the Russian type Asian!

C: Well, the continent of Asia includes some of Russia…I just never figured since the theory is that they came over from the Northeast side of Siberia that they would be Russian Asians. But I guess some sort of Mongolian makes more sense looks-wise.