Archive for the ‘Beauty’ Category

On new outfits.
September 29, 2009

S: Are you painting your nails for tonight?

C: um…no…why?

S: Well, you’re buying a new outfit and calling it a date! I don’t think the question is silly!

C: I LIKE NEW OUTFITS!

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On playing tennis mostly just to look cute.
September 3, 2009

S: Today is draaaaaaaagging.

C: I know. It’s because I want to play tennis so badly.

S: My hair is curly. It’s going to look dumb in a ponytail.

C: My hair was blown dry for the explicit reason of looking cute when I put it up.

S: My god, you are awesome.

On awards.
September 3, 2009

S: Are you wearing something fabulous tonight?

C: No, just a dress. Oh shit, that means I have to shave my legs.

S: You’d better shave your legs for the president!

C: W. probably won’t show up. Who’s going to look at them?

S: What if the president wants to touch them?!

C: Ex president. They don’t count as much. He may.

S: You have to let him! He’s the president!

C: Not anymore, but I would let him just because I think it would be cool to say the president felt me up.

S: I would totally let W. touch my legs. I let a bunch of drunk frat boys touch my legs for $100 in Panama City. I’d do it for Mr. President.

C: $100????? Why did they want to touch your legs?!? How far up did you let them go?

S: It was a hot legs contest. AND I WON, BITCHES. Well, I was wearing a bikini, so, uh, to about mid-thigh.

C: Wow, I wonder what it’s like to win a leg contest.

S: It’s mostly whoreish. But also awesome.

C: How do you ever have down moments about your looks?

S: I know my legs are great. Buuuuuuuuut I’d rather have a great face or a long neck or something.

C: You do have those things!

S: Well, those things haven’t won awards, so it’s hard to tell.

C: Nothing of mine has won awards!! Imagine how I feel.

S: The hot men you date are your awards.

On makeup.
August 19, 2009

C: I would like to live in an Amish community for like a month.

S: Why is that?

C: Well, I think it would be good to get away from the technology and the ability to get a hold of someone so quickly. And you don’t have to care about how you look because…..well, they don’t.

S: I think I would miss caring about how I look.

C: Really?

S: Mostly because I look like ass without makeup. My self-esteem would plummet.

C: Oh I do too. But so does everyone, and NO one will be wearing it. And then, after a month, think about how PRETTY you will feel when you get to put it back on.

S: It’ll be like a makeover from a teen movie!

On procuring a tan.
August 14, 2009

C: Do you still want to pool it tomorrow?

S: YES! Definitely.

C: OK, good.

S: I’m excited.

C: I’m so excited. I’m in desperate need of a burn that will turn into a tan eventually. And by tan, I mean off-white.

On pageant moms.
August 12, 2009

C: How big is your dog now? Weight-wise?

S: 70 pounds.

C: Shiz, really? My dog is FAT. He’s 64 and a lot shorter.

S: He’s not fat, he just has a different body shape. Like a lab.

C: Um or a fat dog.

S: My dog is crazy tall and skinny. He only just recently filled out.

C: Like a model. Our dogs can’t be friends or my dog will get a complex. And the next thing I know he’ll be taking diuretics and not eating.

S: My dog knows he’s pretty. Just yesterday I was walking him, and someone pulled over and was like, “BEAUTIFUL DOG!” I was like…thanks?

C: My dog is beautiful…he’s just full-figured. Like a plus-sized model.

S: He could model for Lane Bryant.

C: He would have HUGE campaigns. No pun intended. Gucci would decide that he’s the next BIG thing. Again, no pun intended.

S: Good luck with that.

C: Oh! This is so depressing. I feel like one of those pageant moms.

On racerbacks.
August 6, 2009

S: In lighter news, I’m wearing a hot racerback bra I got in Paris.

C: OK, hold up. What is the need for a racerback bra?

S: There is none, except to make my boobs look spectacular.

C: Well, I think that is a need.

S: Definitely.

On prettiness.
August 5, 2009

S: (from texts from last night) “(732): please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you’re pretty.” That’s not about me, is it?

C: NO! Wait, are you asking so I ask back and then you say yes? Is that about me?

S: We are SO INSECURE.

C: No, we are GIRLS.

On writers.
August 4, 2009

C: One of the reasons I decided to stop liking Julie and Julia is that I looked the author up and she was really not cute…it ruined the whole “She looks like Amy Adams” thing. I know, I’m a horrible person.

S: I totally knew she wasn’t cute when I saw that Amy Adams was hagging it up for the role. I didn’t even need to see a picture.

C: No, but she’s REALLY not cute.

S: She’s a writer! What do you expect?!

C: You’re a writer and you’re cute!

S: I’m not a writer, and thank you.

C: Apparently you are right. Googling “pretty female authors” doesn’t turn anything up.

On boobsts.
July 30, 2009

S: Do you ever blow-dry your hair upside-down semi-naked in front of a mirror?

C: Yeah, why? Wait, that’s me every morning. Have you heard from my neighbors?

S: It makes my boobs look so good!

C: Ohhh mine don’t look good upside-down.

S: I need to do it more often. A good self-esteem boost.

C: Boobst.

S: Perfect. If only I could be upside-down all the time.

C: How do they look so good?

S: They’re all super big and round on top. I was like, WHOA. Those are mine?!

C: Mine look like muffins. Upside-down is not good for these bad boys.

S: Too bad. I mean, wait. That’s probably good for real life.