Archive for the ‘Babies’ Category

On maps.
August 18, 2009

C: When I told her that we should all have a dinner one night I said that it would be perfect because we each bring different perspectives: Her: single, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. You: married, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. Me: dating someone, depressed, doesn’t know what she wants out of life. We are all on anti-depressants of some sort! But I don’t feel sad. I just feel weird…but I think that’s normal for our age. I don’t know everything (shocking I know).

S: Man, I don’t even know anything.

C: Yeah, that’s what’s so hard. When we were younger we knew what we had to do: go to school, study, make sure we graduate, blah blah blah. Now it’s find a job that makes you not want to kill yourself, find some time for yourself, but be able to maintain friendships, pay all your f-ing bills somehow on a dime.

S: I was given a map. It was: marry a man who worries about those things and have babies. Some map.

C: How is that working out for you?

S: Oh, you know, halfway there.

On baby names.
August 5, 2009

C: I am a movie quote maven.

S: Oooh, Maven. I like that as a girl’s name.

C: Really?!

S: I liked Maverick as a boy’s name before Sarah Palin came along. Now Maverick = dumb ass Republican.

On baby kisses.
July 30, 2009

C: And I said, “Fine, but can we make out like a REAL makeout?”

S: What is a REAL makeout?

C: Well, I’m on my period (which he knows) so I just want a good makeout; not baby kisses.

S: Baby kisses! I’ve never heard that, OMG. I love it.

C: Yeah, you know…no tongue. No grasping for each other. Like a lean over at a restaurant baby kiss.

S: Okay, for a second, I thought you were calling sex “baby kisses.”

C: Pshaw! NOOOOO. Where would you get that?!?! “Ohh baby”?

S: Because sex comes close to making babies. It’s like you’re kissing the possibility of a baby.

C: Oh.

S: My mind is effed up.

C: No. That is definitely not what I meant; I guess this takes away you thinking I was being clever.

On fearing pregnancy.
July 29, 2009

C: I might become anorexic for the good of my body if I get pregnant. My baby will hate me – my husband will love me.

S: My counselor has said that my former eating disorder will rear its ugly head when I get pregnant.

C: What? Why?

S: Because I’m not okay with getting fat. Even if it’s to grow a human.

On tiny pockets.
July 28, 2009

S: I’m wearing underwear with a tiny pocket on the front I bought a week ago. We used to joke in high school that shirts with tiny pockets were for condoms. But I’m pretty sure that really is true in this case.

C: A tiny pocket for a tiny vagina!

S: I thought about showing up at my husband’s apt. with a condom in my underwear pocket and giving him a surprise when he took off my pants.

C: That would be funny! You should do that! But don’t say, “By the way, the reason we are married and using a condom in addition to my birth control is that I in no way want to have your children right now.”

On contraceptives.
July 17, 2009

S: I tried the ring but it was too big for me.

C: Did you put it in with a tampon applicator?

S: Yeah, I did. It kept coming out.

C: And it was too big.

S: It was miserable.

C: Shit. I feel like I must be a cavern!

On having babies.
July 17, 2009

C: That sounds miserable. Why do people do it?

S: It really does. I don’t know. ‘Cause we’re programmed to. We have this drive to replicate ourselves. A way to achieve immorality, or something.

C: Immortality?

S: Lol. Yes. That’s what I meant to say.

C: I wouldn’t mind being immoral, though.