Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

On windows.
October 5, 2009

S: I really need something good to happen. I’m in a bad place.

C: It’s darkest before the light. A phoenix rises from the ashes.

S: When God closes a door, he opens a window.

C: Yeah, but I don’t understand that one. It’s like, “Um…awesome, but a window is going to be a lot more difficult to get out of than a door.”

On dying young.
September 10, 2009

C: Still at home…

S: Are you still sick?!

C: Yeah, I can’t really stand without being in total pain.

S: OMG. GO TO THE HOSPITAL. What if it’s appendicitis?! You need to go!

C: Nooo it’s the same thing I always have.

S: You don’t know that! A doctor needs to look at you.

C: I don’t want a 1,000 dollar bill. It fees the same. It will go away.

S: You have insurance! Goddammit, this is why we need HEALTH CARE REFORM. Love, GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Has the pain gotten worse? What if your appendix burst yesterday when you fainted, and now you’re about to die?

C: I’m not about to die. I’m fine.

S: You don’t know that!!!

C: Well, if I die it was a good run.

S: DO NOT DIE. I will never forgive you.

C: I’m not going to. Only the good die young. And I’ve made enough mistakes to not be considered “good.”

On assvice.
August 27, 2009

C: What’s the term for advice that is unwanted?

S: Assvice.

On food poisoning.
August 7, 2009

S: I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m afraid that everything I eat is spoiled.

C: I did NOT know that. I am too!

S: For real?!

C: Yeah, I asked the girl I work with at least five times if she thought my sandwich from yesterday would still be good today. She assured me five times that it was.

S: If you kept it in the fridge, it’s just fine.

C: Well, it had mayo…it was very confusing.

On playing doctor.
August 5, 2009

S: I wait until I’m absolutely sure. Which means until I’m crying in pain. And/or peeing blood.

C: Have you, you know, done “it”?

S: Oh yes.

C: Well then yeah, that’s a UTI, missy.

S: Wait, we’re talking about sex, right?

C: Yeah.

S: Okay. Yeah.

C: What did you think we were talking about…a clown?

On dirty jeans.
July 30, 2009

S: Is it gross to wear the same jeans on Thursday that I wore on Tuesday?

C: Um…are you kidding?

S: I’m really not.

C: Jeans are allowed to be worn over and over again I thought…like bras. F! See?!? Who will want to marry this!

S: Oh, okay, so relieved. I thought you were going to be like, OMG SO GROSS.

C: I’m disgusting.

S: No, I think it’s one of those things no one really talks about but everyone does. Like masturbation.

C: I’ve talked about it with people. It’s like how the majority of “Dry Clean Only” items mean “We Are Dirty.”

S: I just realized I talk about masturbation with more people than wearing dirty jeans. What’s wrong with me?

C: Yeah, I dunno. I talk about dirty jeans.

S: But someone already married this, so I guess I can do what I want.

On regrets.
July 28, 2009

S: Yes, I just said “tat.”

C: Well if you got it you should start talking like someone who has a tat.

S: Someone who has THREE! I can’t believe I have three. I’m going to hate my twenty-year-old self when I’m 70.

C: Well, I have a feeling that your tats won’t be the first on the list. My first on the list is that I was a slut (not really).

S: Maybe your first will be that you wasted so much damn time feeling guilty. Guilt is SOOOO overrated.

C: HA. Do you KNOW me??! I feel guilty for even talking to a guy at the wedding.

S: I know, this is what I’m saying. Too much guilt is bad for the soul.

C: What’s good for the soul?

S: Chicken soup?

On role models.
July 21, 2009

C: My boyfriend wrote me another text message saying, “it’s so effing cold in the OR right now…….” Now, it’s been about 2 hours since the original one…should I write him back or make him sweat more? What are your thoughts? Aaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd GO!

S: Hmm. Well. I still don’t know why you’re asking for MY advice. But. I’d make him sweat.

C: Keep in mind that you have convinced someone to marry you. AND you convinced someone to cheat on his wife. You are GOLDEN! Your advice is indispensable.

On time.
July 14, 2009

C: You know in five years you are going to be in a much better place.

S: Why five years?

C: I don’t know. I would usually say a year, but I don’t know if that would be true.

On running away.
June 16, 2009

C:  Maybe you should go to a convent for like 6 months and get away from all men.

S: That’s not a terrible idea. Do convents take refugees?

C: I think so…they took Whoopi Goldberg.