Archive for August, 2009

On spreading illnesses.
August 31, 2009

S: You totally gave me your stomach thing. My stomach is still making alien sounds.

C: Maybe there is an alien inside of you?

S: Ewwww. Did you pass your alien to me?

C: You always blame me for this stuff…UTIs, aliens. What’s next?

S: lol

C: I do have a habit of spreading LOLs…you’re right.

On being hit on.
August 31, 2009

S: Why do guys keep hitting on me? I don’t know what to do! I’m like, oh okay, here’s my number.

C: Because you’re pretty and YOU DON’T TELL THEM YOU’RE MARRIED.

On hope.
August 28, 2009

C: Oh S, maybe you just need to find hope again. That’s the only thing that makes life bearable.

S: That’s true. My hope comes in pill form. And costs me $40/month.

C: My hope keeps getting sucked out.

S: Like someone sucking poison from a snakebite? Except the opposite?

C: No, like the witches in Hocus Pocus sucking all of the youth out of the children.

S: Who are the witches in your life?

C: Life.

S: Whoa. That’s heavy.

On assvice.
August 27, 2009

C: What’s the term for advice that is unwanted?

S: Assvice.

On new joobs.
August 27, 2009

me: Ugh. The first second I put on my glasses and began reading an ad, my head began to hurt. I neeeeeed a newwwwww jooooooob. I would actually prefer that that “job” is pronounced “joob.”

C: So you could make a poem that rhymes with boob?

S: Well, actually, I liked that “new” and “joob” rhymed.

C: No, newb and joob rhyme. Some English major you are.

S: Oh, blah, near-rhyme. ASSONANCE.

C: You’re An ASSonance.

On Revolutionary Road.
August 26, 2009

C: This is why men shouldn’t marry unfulfilled actresses.

S: Aren’t we all, though.

C: Some are fulfilled actresses!

On greying (graying).
August 26, 2009

C: You know what’s weird?? How people’s downstairs hair turns…

S: OMG I KNOW. So creepy to think about.

C: Which is why I get rid of mine. So I won’t know.

S: THAT’S why? You’re only 25!

C: No, but it’s a nice side effect. And I don’t think I’m going to turn gray anytime soon (or grey since you are so fancy).

S: I think grey is more grey than gray.

C: Yeah, your gray looks very English which, in turn, is more gray than my happy gray.

On job searches.
August 24, 2009

S: So how depressing will it be if Borders doesn’t call me for an interview.

C: They might think that you are overqualified…

S: Fuck them, I make the decisions on what I’m qualified for.

On mazes.
August 21, 2009

S: [from texts from last night] (314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn’t happen?

C: Holy SHIT! Can you feel POOP!?!?

S: I don’t think so. It’s not like poo is right there ready to go. You have to squeeze it through places.

C: Like a maze?

S: Exactly.

On hatchet wounds.
August 20, 2009

C: K: you are basically a boy with a hatchet wound

S: Is he talking about your vagina?!

C: Yeah. That is f-ing hilarious.

S: So gross.

C: I know. But funny. Clever.

S: Why is he comparing your vagina to a wound?!

C: Have you ever seen a hatchet wound? It does look like a vag!

S: Have YOU seen a hatchet wound?

C: I have in wood, and it looks like a you know…

S: In wood?! Now you’re saying WOOD looks like a vag?!

C: It cuts like that!