Archive for July, 2009

On coping mechanisms and perfection.
July 31, 2009

C: I don’t really want to talk about my personal life. My personal life is only funny when it’s depressing.

S:  So when it’s not depressing, you get depressed?

C: Yeah, I guess so. I’ve spent so much of my life deflecting with humor that when I don’t have things to deflect it gets…boring.

S:  Hilarious. I’m loving this irony. This rain is so awesome, I want it to never stop.

C: Ugh, why do you like rain so much?? I love sunnnn. I think that’s why I’ve been…off.

S: I don’t know why I like it.  I just do. Maybe it fits my melancholic personality better; makes me feel more me.

C: I don’t see you as melancholy.

S: Really?

C: Yeah, you’re so giggly. Bad stuff has happened, but you’re still upbeat.

S: Maybe it’s all a front, like your humor. That’s why we’re perfect together! Our coping mechanisms complement each other.

C: Hmm, maybe.

S: You make jokes about horrible stuff, and I laugh my ass off about it.

C: But I’m not giving you anything to laugh at. Maybe my life would be more interesting if I watched something besides Sex and the City?

S: TV definitely does not make a person interesting. Unless it’s Mad Men, of course.


On more bosses.
July 30, 2009

C: I just gave my boss offer letters to get the partner to sign and she said in the future to make sure that the papers were stacked right on top of each other, because they were a little “off” when I stapled them.


C: Yes fucking way.

S: What did you say?

C: “OK.”

S: I would’ve thrown them in her face and said, “STACK THIS, BITCH.” Not really. I would’ve said “Okay” too. And then gone to gchat to tell you about it.

On falling into the Gap.
July 30, 2009

S: I just got a 30% off coupon for Gap and Banana, and I can use it as many times as I want over the next four days at as many stores as I want!

C: Wow!

S: I’ve had my eye on a denim pencil skirt at Gap but haven’t bought it ’cause it’s a little pricey. 30% off will make a nice dent in that.

C: Definitely.

S: Life is sad when I think Gap is pricey.

C: Awww. I don’t even have enough money to think Gap is pricey.

On baby kisses.
July 30, 2009

C: And I said, “Fine, but can we make out like a REAL makeout?”

S: What is a REAL makeout?

C: Well, I’m on my period (which he knows) so I just want a good makeout; not baby kisses.

S: Baby kisses! I’ve never heard that, OMG. I love it.

C: Yeah, you know…no tongue. No grasping for each other. Like a lean over at a restaurant baby kiss.

S: Okay, for a second, I thought you were calling sex “baby kisses.”

C: Pshaw! NOOOOO. Where would you get that?!?! “Ohh baby”?

S: Because sex comes close to making babies. It’s like you’re kissing the possibility of a baby.

C: Oh.

S: My mind is effed up.

C: No. That is definitely not what I meant; I guess this takes away you thinking I was being clever.

On living situations.
July 30, 2009

C: Something is leaking in my bathroom now. This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t afford this.

S: Did you get it inspected before you bought it?

C: Yeah, for 250 bucks, but I guess you can’t go into the ceiling to inspect stuff. This is miserable.

S: Blah. I’m sorry.

C: I got a Ford Pinto for a house.

S: I think the term is “lemon,” but yes.

On dirty jeans.
July 30, 2009

S: Is it gross to wear the same jeans on Thursday that I wore on Tuesday?

C: Um…are you kidding?

S: I’m really not.

C: Jeans are allowed to be worn over and over again I thought…like bras. F! See?!? Who will want to marry this!

S: Oh, okay, so relieved. I thought you were going to be like, OMG SO GROSS.

C: I’m disgusting.

S: No, I think it’s one of those things no one really talks about but everyone does. Like masturbation.

C: I’ve talked about it with people. It’s like how the majority of “Dry Clean Only” items mean “We Are Dirty.”

S: I just realized I talk about masturbation with more people than wearing dirty jeans. What’s wrong with me?

C: Yeah, I dunno. I talk about dirty jeans.

S: But someone already married this, so I guess I can do what I want.

On being a sad crazy dog lady.
July 30, 2009

S: SO I’ve decided something.

C: Did you wake up for the rain last night? What?

S: I did! I was scared and lonely again. 😦

C: Haha (sorry to laugh).

S: I was sleeping and I thought my husband was beside me and I could cling to him, but I woke up and I was all alone except for my dog.

C: Was your dog not helpful? Wait, I want to hear what you decided.

S: He was. But in a sad crazy dog lady way. OK. So when we’re chatting and you crack me up, instead of “lol,” I’m going to type “pip.”

C: THIS is your big news?

S: That way when I’m going through our convos for blog material, all I have to do is search for “pip.”

C: S, this is worse than being a sad crazy dog lady.

On boobsts.
July 30, 2009

S: Do you ever blow-dry your hair upside-down semi-naked in front of a mirror?

C: Yeah, why? Wait, that’s me every morning. Have you heard from my neighbors?

S: It makes my boobs look so good!

C: Ohhh mine don’t look good upside-down.

S: I need to do it more often. A good self-esteem boost.

C: Boobst.

S: Perfect. If only I could be upside-down all the time.

C: How do they look so good?

S: They’re all super big and round on top. I was like, WHOA. Those are mine?!

C: Mine look like muffins. Upside-down is not good for these bad boys.

S: Too bad. I mean, wait. That’s probably good for real life.

On Mad Men.
July 30, 2009

S: Have you been to a Banana Republic?! Don is EVERYWHERE. I want to make love to those posters. And I just might.

C: I want to do the Banana Republic contest. AND, remind me not to touch one of those posters if you have been in its vicinity.

S: This girl depresses me:

C: Haha, why?

S: She just strikes me as kind of sad. Though here I am looking at pictures of her and eating Golden Grahams, so your call.

On foreign languages.
July 30, 2009

S: We work well under pressure. We should go into the CIA together.

C: Yeah, I looked at the CIA as one of my next job avenues, but you need to know Farsi or something.